For whom does your bell toll? Fidelity Explored
This article explores the link between personal values and fidelity. It looks at three core questions
What are values? Why do they matter? How can you identify your values?
“Values (…) tell the world-and ourselves-who we are and what is most important about us…. (….) We feel righteous when we live up to our values and shame or guilt when we do not even try.”
Christopher Peterson
Primer in Positive Psychology, 2015, p.168
The word “value” gets bandied about, but what does it actually mean? A personal value is a belief that you hold, and as the late Christopher Peterson states: it is also something that you believe to be intrinsically good.
“It is not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.”
Walt Disney
Interestingly, the science also supports that taking action in line with your values leads to greater levels of personal fulfillment. Examples of values can be “connection” a person who values relationships first and foremost, or “beauty”, a value of an artist or designer, or “money/ profit” by traders working on Wall Street.
Tabloids get excited when a rich and famous person is reported as being unfaithful. The public response to infidelity is complex, with two predictable extremes on the spectrum. Folk on the one end of the scale may believe – but not necessarily articulate – that fidelity for the rich and glorious is neither natural nor realistic. Let us not forget that up until a century or so ago, fidelity was not even expected from rich and powerful men. At best, the wives of the rich and powerful could hope for was discretion.
The other end of the spectrum can view infidelity as an unforgivable breach of trust – one that should not and could not be tolerated. This group will call it a “deal-breaker.” One that signals the end of the relationship. Most likely, the majority (as I do) sit somewhere in the middle of these two extremes, seeing infidelity as a case-by-case situation and possibly even trying not to judge.
But I digress….
My aim here is not to opine on the moral nature of fidelity, rather it is to draw you in with the metaphor. Because when we think about infidelity, we typically see it as a physical act in the context of a relationship with another person.
Living your life according to your values can keep you happier, healthier and at peace with yourself. But please don’t take my word for it: this is not just an opinion piece. Two researchers describe goals that are aligned with your values as “authentic goals”. Their research suggests that:
– when we take on goals that are aligned with our values, we put more effort into achieve those goals, and we are more likely to attain them
-Enjoy greater well-being from attaining those goals (Sheldon, K. M., & Elliot, A. J. 1999).
Two respected psychologists describe goals that are aligned with your values as “authentic goals”
Functioning well, our values will not just serve as a compass orienting us in the right direction, but values also act as “dealbreakers, * wielding a push and pull quality, steering us clear of situations that will make us miserable, and drawing us towards activities that bring meaning and fulfillment.
In contrast, successful organisations are acutely aware of what they call “mission creep”, when they take on projects that deviate from their mission. What do they do when they become aware that they have got distracted – as we all do – by fun, shiny projects? They turn course. As an example, some years ago Google started ventures into social media, including Google Plus. Within a few years, they abandoned these projects, focussing instead on other projects – closer to their values and their DNA.
As individuals, we can also suffer from “values creep” when we get distracted from our real work in this world, either spending time with people who annoy us or doing work that brings us little meaning. Keeping your life aligned with your values is akin to being faithful – to yourself. And to bring us back to the metaphor, while most would view their partner cheating as a clear “boundary breaker,” which would have a significant impact – possibly heralding the end of the relationship – there are times when we are too careless about being faithful to our own personal values.
There are times when we are too careless about being faithful to our own personal values
To live a fulfilling life, we need to safeguard our values, in the same way we lock our car, or the way we might scour the balcony of a high-rise apartment for safety risks, when on holidays with small kids. Gaining clarity on our values is tremendously powerful. While this is anecdotal evidence at best, in my coaching work, and in discussions with other coaches, most folk are crystal clear when a value has been compromised, however far fewer can explicitly list their top three values.
For whom does your bell toll? Are you being faithful to yourself? To know our values helps us make better decisions, and we can make them quicker. Values too can change over time, and it can be worthwhile to review them periodically. Importantly, being able to articulate your values helps you be comfortable saying no. After all, saying no is a great deal easier, when you have a more compelling yes. *
Wondering how to identify your values?
There are two main ways:
1.Work with an accredited coach with expertise in values-identification
They may:
– provide you with a self-reflection exercise that helps you identify your values (these are generally copyrighted, hence why I am not posting a sample here)
– intuitively sense your values, paying attention to the emphasis you place on different words
– ask you to select your values from a list of values; or they may use values cards, see here:
2. Use Online Values-identification tools** Below are links to three tools.
2.1. Harvard Graduate School of Education’s The Good Project.
2.2. The Values Centre
Acknowledgements:
*The metaphor as seeing your values as “dealbreakers” and the final sentence of the article “it is easier to say no when…” are from my fabulously talented friend Adrienne O’ Hare Executive coach and coaching psychologist, with whom I have had many enjoyable and insightful conversations on this topic. Thanks Adrienne!
** Thanks to my MAPPCP alumni friends (Master Applied Positive Psychology and Coaching from UEL) for sharing these links on values.
Photo Credit: Filipp Romanoskvi
Dear reader: If you are aware of any resources, articles, publications, books, related to the topic of values, including how to identify your values, please share, thanks!
