What is self-compassion and why it could be relevant for you?
This article looks at self-compassion, or self-kindness and explores some scientific research findings about the benefits of this practice — for our well-being and our motivation. Some practical «how to practice self-compassion» tips are provided; and it links to free online resources from experts in the field. The article also asks if there could be a potential correlation between self-compassion and the presence of psychological safety.
Self-compassion, or self-kindness is not something that is often discussed in workplaces. I have yet to see a workshop offered on it. Nor do I expect to see one soon. But more often than I care for, I am faced with a smart, successful, high-achieving professional who displays painfully low levels of self-compassion — when they do what humans are born to do — make mistakes.
Kristin Neff, one of the leading researchers in the field describes self-compassion as:
“Self-kindness—being kind and understanding toward oneself in instances of pain or failure rather than being harshly self-critical.”
Neff also describes it as seeing: “one’s experiences as part of the larger human experience rather than seeing them as separating and isolating”. Furthermore, she encourages us to observe, but not over-identify with our self-critical thoughts. Or put another way, to invite some mindful awareness to our thinking.
When I say that I witness a person lacking self-compassion…what do I mean? As I see it, self-compassion and self-acceptance are one side of the coin. And on the other side, there is beating yourself up, and the inner critic (when that “bitchy flatmate in your head”* is getting too much air-time); are on the other side.
While it might be tempting to believe that self-compassion is practiced mostly by yoga-addicted, tunic-wearing folk, whose only protein source is lentils, the topic of self-talk is not just the preserve of academics. “The benefits of not being a jerk to yourself” was the title of a TED talk by Dan Harris, a former ABC anchor and now meditation evangelist. In this witty talk, he shares his struggles with developing a self-kind narrative when trying to accept his failings. Given his considerable successful in the alpha-male TV world, his openness around the topic is refreshing.
Research supporting the benefits of self-compassion in relation to well-being
The research has some —surprisingly strong findings to support the benefits of self-compassion.
Research in the UK (with 5000 respondents) explored ten habits that are strongly linked to life satisfaction. “Acceptance” — a close friend of self-compassion — was found to be the habit that predicts life satisfaction the most strongly. Interestingly, the same study found was that “acceptance” was the habit that people tend to practice the least often. (University of Hertfordshire, 2014).
As Susan David in “Emotional Agility” commented:
“Self-acceptance could be the key to a happier life, yet it’s the happy habit that we practice the least.”
Other studies combining meditation with compassion, showed it increased immunity (Pace et al. 2019)
While it is of course admirable to recognise our mistakes, and to learn from them, it is equally important to accept that being flawed is part of the human condition. Rates of anxiety and burnout are on the rise, and I cannot help but wonder if self-kindness could be an antidote to this. To err is human, to forgive divine.
But what about the relationship between self-compassion and performance?
Interestingly, one study showed that those who view their failures with greater acceptance are more motivated to improve (Breins and Chen, 2012).
While admitting a mistake to ourselves is one thing, admitting a mistake at work is entirely another. After all, most folk are reluctant to admit mistakes —not because most folk are dishonest —rather it is their past painful experiences of retribution that discourages them.
Amy Edmonson of Harvard Business School has become the leading researcher in the field known as “psychological safety.” She describes it as:
“A belief that one will not be punished or humiliated for speaking up with ideas, questions, concerns or mistakes (…) when a person feels comfortable admitting a mistake, or asking for help”.
Research conducted at Google found that “psychological safety” was the quality found to be present in the most effective teams. This study suggests a potential link between a culture that allows people to admit mistakes and ask for help, and better organisational outcomes.
Why is this relevant to self-compassion? I believe that when organisations makes it safe for employees to admit mistakes (and hopefully learn from failure) that it also creates the space for employees to apply self-kindness to their individual internal narratives. This culture would then act as an “enabler” for self-compassion and self-acceptance. And possibly, self-compassion could be a factor that supports psychological safety.
So how can you practice self-compassion?
Neff suggests the following self-compassion exercises:
-Observing your self-talk, asking would I use this tone if I was talking to a loved one who is suffering in the same way?
-Exploring your story in writing.
-A physical gesture – towards ourselves. We can cross our arms over our heart, or our belly, in a similar way that a lioness will cradle her cub. This will send a signal to our parasympathetic nervous system that all is well.
Every day, before I start my daily 10-30 minute goal planning exercise, I write a list of: “what did I do well yesterday?” This puts me in a self-kind frame for the day, especially when several “To Dos” from yesterday, are eh… still undone. I find this curbs any tendency to focus energy on what I did wrong, as opposed to what I did right.
And as for Neff’s suggestions, I find the physical gesture most helpful. My yoga heroine, Adriene Mischler, has also used this “hand and your heart and belly” gesture in some of her online yoga videos.
And a final point on self-compassion. To practice self-compassion is not selfish, or self-indulgent. “Au contraire,” as the French say, to practice self-compassion helps prevent self-absorption and its unhelpful cousin – rumination. To practice self-compassion enhances our well-being, it helps our performance, it makes us more motivated to change. Importantly, it also makes us easier people to live and work with.
Oscar Wilde once said:
“Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.”
Perhaps counter-intuitively — it is this kind acceptance of our flaws and failings that helps us live to our full potential. Why? It helps us grow into our authentic selves. And showing up as our true selves is always the best gift that we can give ourselves – and this allows us to give our best to others.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
References listed in order of appearance
Neff, Kristin (website) https://self-compassion.org/
*A term I heard used by Ariana Huffington
University of Hertfordshire, (2014) Happiness Habits.
David, Susan. Emotional Agility. (2016) Penguin Books Ltd.
Pace, T., Negi, L., Adame, D., Cole, S., Sivilli, T., Brown, T., Issa, M. and Raison, C. (2009). Effect of compassion meditation on neuroendocrine, innate immune and behavioral responses to psychosocial stress. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 34(1), 87–98.)
Edmondson, A. C. (2018). The fearless organization: Creating psychological safety in the workplace for learning, innovation, and growth. John Wiley & Sons.
RESOURCES
Resources on self-compassion and how to put this into practice
These are all from NEFF and are free-of-charge
Self-compassion exercises and audio files
Self-compassion self-assessment measure / scale
Psychological Safety Resources
These are all from Edmondson and are free-of-charge – with the exception of the team assessment survey.
Publications . Edmondson has also written about learning from failure in high-risk environments and “speaking up” in medical environments.
She has also given several TED and TEDx talks
Psychological safety measure /scale (free for an individual, fee for a team).
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